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WHO I AM! I'M NOT SURE!

Right now on going in my life i'm faced with one of the hardest changes that anybody can face.  I'm involved in an organization that has done nothing but teach me new important things and have shown me the way to life success.  This organization is call LOVECRY, they are a change your life organization and i'm more than greatful for what they have done for me. 

At LoveCry i'm working on how to stop the mind control that's blocked my life in so many  ways.   Mind control is a form of abuse, physic abuse to be more specific for me it took place in the house I grew up in. I was never allowed to go outside of the house except for school, school events and family functions.  My parents always explaned to me that the reason this was happeining was because being outside of the house was a danger.   I was unable to play  with the local neighborhood kids because, what they would think of my parents.  when I got older I began to work and then there was no stopping me then.  The way I saw it I was free no longer could they keep me in their control.  I used work as my  social life and once I saw they couldn't agrue with me if I said I was going to work I began to use that as my excuse to leave the house.  I came to the point of me never being home because i was so unhappy.  Mind control is a serious game that alot of people play and nobody understands that who you play that game on will hurt them alot more.  You forget who you are or in my case never learn who you are in the first place.  You could turn a person on themsleves and sooner or later they become suicidal.  Thanks to LoveCry i've learned about the side effects before I even started to completly go crazy.

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manipulation- This game here is very important to me, i've been raised on this game i've been taught to do it and take it.  One of my mistakes of dealing with manipulation is the fact that I had a very closed mind to this game I didn't look at how big the spectrum is on this game.   To manipulate is to play alot of games for example if someone has played any of these games they have already manipulated and the games go from one extream to the next! The main manipulation games that I was playing was: poor me, servent role, shamming, guilting, hiding, diverting, justifying, ignoring, ogerizing, victimizing, pusing buttons, minimizing, doubting the other peson or yourself, playing dumb, playing innocent, lying, fighting, seduction, and many more.  Unfortunaltlly i haven't quite got passed all of these head games I need to start to buckle down on my thoughts and treat them alot more serious. I have alot of shame in myself for some of the things that i've down in the past and i truly want to grow past this...one step at a time!

Love doesn't Dream!
Jelousy

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ASHAMED OF A LIE

Jelousy is proably the hardest thing that i'm fixing in myself.  I have been jelousy of myself and others for a very long time and eventhough that sounds crazy it's true.  Part of the reason why jelousy is so hard for me to get over is because i haven't fully faced my issue.  Personally i feel that on top of not faceing the things i should be facing, alot of people in my life have been or are jelouse of me.  I also have a tendence of not wanting to accept the fact that I'm hurting people what I do also is fall into denial and refuse to see that i'm being jelouse (i'm gratful I have friends in my life that are able to see when i'm fucking up and call me on it).  Jelousy to me is a very complecated issue, mostly because it is in my life in alot of aspects.  I have to take the time to find each and every jelouse momement figure out why I had that moment and turn it around. 

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THE NEED TO HIDE
 have you ever felt like hiding from the world, not letting anybody come near you and hating everything that happens to you.  sometimes when things happen in your life that isn't expected and hurts so bad, makes you feel like that what do you do how do you cope.  You think you have all these great things in your life a good direction the beginning and then you have to start all over again.  how do you? how do you cope with the pain? ya alot of people just simply tell me to understand that things happen the way they happen! but i wish they never happened in the first place, theres no push anymore no want or happiness.  Well thats codependence yes i know but what if your willing to change every thought and feel that's related to that will that give you back what you had? what did you have? I dropped my life to chase something that I wasn't suppose to chase do I regret it NO i have a friend in my life that i will never forget so why cand i have that friend again, can i change to get that person back? apparently no, so now what wish to do good for yourself, when i started my journey i wanted everything to work the way it was suppose to then all of a sudden crush back to square one alone! God please help!

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Not only am i'm trying to change my life 

but I want to free my soul from any  

negativity that my ego brings to my life.

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Life's a Test of Faith
confidence

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fear of the truth

where i am right now in my life i have an extreamly hard time believingmyself when i'm congronted with a situation I always doubt myself on the way i think o never believe the way i'm thinkingis right and i'm extremly easy to convince that i've done everything wrong what i want to work towards is where when things come up that are big i don't shrink down and become smaller instead i wnat to stand up for myself and believe in my strenght and confidence.

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PITTY- such an ugly word to me, alot of us use pitty eveyday on ourselves and others.  I have to honestly say that I hold the crown in  "pitty".  I have had it played on me as I have played it on others.  All of us in this world has the tools to play poor me that is when we do everything we can to convince someone to feel sorry for us.   Even in the most truthful events of everything, you know like when i'm really down and out I look for people to feel bad for me to make me feel better.  You know one thing I learned about with pitty is that no matter how hard I  try to justify playing poor me the only reason I do it is so I put my feelings onto someone else and I don't have to face this feeling myself.  usually because the pain it brings us, but do I really want the people who are close to me feel this pain instead of me?  How could I but I repetedly find myself falling into poor me in a heartbeat, i've gotten better at realizing when it happens and turing it around, although I have a long way to go.

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SO SAD SO BLIND
I've come to a realization that our mind isn't as innocent as we make it to be.  Mind you I can only speak for myself, because I can only know my own mind
not yours, but if you can relate at all, to anything on my page you should check yourself into the nearest mental institution as soon as possable! Because your hurting the ones you love and yourself or at least figure out what's wrong and fix it (don't try to do it on your own). At first It was very hard for me to see my mistakes.
But now that I think about it, I was just acting like a big lier.  Telling myself that I
can't be doing the things I'm doing.   Pushing people out of other peoples lives, becoming jealouse because other people got better attention and things then I. 
finding allusions to fall into instead of facing the truth, not accepting life on life's terms, minimizing others pain and maximizing my own.  Holding onto and dwelling on things that other people are doing in all aspects and not facing the truth about it. Believing my own and other peoples lies. 

From the Heart
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thank you so much for listening about me i appreciate anything you have to say about the things i wrote on my page please go to contact me on my navigation bar and write me some feed back, gods with us whether we like it or not, remeber that!